(Length: 6 minutes)
Lately I’ve been spending a lot of time with family, and I love watching my one-year-old niece and nephew grow. My niece Isabella is a total foodie, like me. We call her Chef Iz. She’ll eat an entire baked sweet potato in one sitting, and where it all goes is a complete mystery.
The other morning I was cooking my usual oatmeal breakfast when I heard Isabella crawling on the hardwood floor towards me. She sat at my feet, staring and with her arms reaching out.
“Oh, you want to help me cook, do you?” I said, lifting her 20-pound avocado body onto my hip. Her big brown eyes were mesmerized by the various ingredients being mixed together, and the hot blue flame transforming them into an aromatic mush.
Five minutes later the oatmeal was ready. I put Chef Iz in her high chair so I could finish prepping the meal. Immediately she started crying as I walked back to the stove. It was the first time she expressed attachment to her uncle. As soon as the oatmeal cooled off and the spoon came zooming towards her like an airplane, she was smiling again.
Witnessing my niece’s new-found attachment reminded me of the nature of our minds and what we practice to create mental peace and balance.
As mammals with social needs and desires, attachment is a natural human experience. Within the mind bubbles up desires and the will to act on them. Desires inherently aren’t problematic, but the unwillingness to let go of a desire is the cause of attachment.
Attachment becomes unhealthy when the mind ruminates and obsesses over something that either doesn’t turn out as expected or hasn’t even happened yet. The inability to let go of these thoughts always leads to stress and suffering. That’s because it takes the mind out of the present moment, and the present moment is the only place where the mind can actually be fulfilled. Bliss consciousness (aka peak mind flow state) can only be experienced here and now, not the past nor the future.
Children for the most part are pretty good at letting go when their basic needs are met. They can shift back to contentment rather quickly after a moment of upset. Adults, on the other hand, are not as flexible for a number of reasons.
Both upbringing and societal systems inform adult behavior. We first develop our habits of attachment in early childhood, which set the foundation for how we experience attachment throughout life. Through adolescence, many of us are taught to stop expressing uncomfortable emotions because it becomes socially unacceptable to do so by a certain age. Without being afforded the right tools, time, and safe space to process our experiences, we ignore stress and learn how to put on a happy face to get by.
Unfortunately, this is how stress gets stuck in the body and accumulates over time. People who have everything they need and still can’t get satisfaction have unresolved stress stored in their nervous system. It’s this backlog of stress that takes the mind out of the present moment causing feelings of disconnection, inauthenticity, and judgment. The experience of stress and type of attachment are nuanced making each circumstance unique, but it still gets stored in our psychophysiology the same way (read The Body Keeps the Score for more on this topic).
Society then capitalizes on our stress by conditioning us to believe that we need things in order to be happy. We’re taught that the only way to afford these things is to work hard and achieve great results. We get attached to the ideal that the more results we get and the faster we get them, the happier we’ll be.
But does it actually work? Maybe for a moment, but it never lasts. Chasing material wealth hasn’t been a sustainable source of happiness for anyone in recorded history. This widespread misperception fuels the meritocracy, perfectionism, narcissism, hoarding of resources, and a false sense of urgency and security throughout capitalist culture. As a result we see all forms of suffering around the world, regardless of socioeconomic status.
This global epidemic of stress is caused by the mindset of attachment informed both by upbringing and societal systems. It’s pretty wild to realize when you connect the dots.
So, how do we reduce all the stress, let go of attachments, and create a shift in our collective mindset?
We start within ourselves, and you’ve already gotten started. Your meditation practice is what gradually releases the stress from unresolved childhood experiences coupled with the demands of adulting. When enough people are in practice, a tipping point can occur. Culture shifts when we shift.
You hold the power to rewire your brain’s neural pathways. Through meditation you’re able to effectively let go of unconscious habits of attachment. Thankfully, our simple meditation technique teaches us the importance of non-attachment and how to let go in the most subtle, effortless way.
First of all, it’s important to recognize that non-attachment doesn’t mean detachment, having no desires, or being apathetic. Non-attachment means honoring your preferences and being willing to let them go. It’s in the letting go that we return to the present moment and notice a positive shift in our state of being.
Do you recall, on your first day learning Vedic meditation, how attached you were to your mantra? We first come to this practice with this preconceived idea that meditation means focusing on the mantra and never losing it. As you receive the instructions you start to realize that this isn’t the case.
You learn that you can’t use effort as a means of achieving results in meditation. By day four of the course you see that the opposite is in fact true. The more you allow yourself to let go of the mantra, the more results you receive. Non-attachment yields a greater return. Through your meditation experience you start to trust that by doing less you can accomplish more. You’re learning how to treat your mantra like your best friend at a party. Or in Isabella’s case, her uncle cooking oatmeal.
How I responded to my crying niece was essential, and it was all due to my meditation practice. I didn’t try to hush her, unconsciously shaming her attachment. I didn’t walk away or ignore her to dissociate from the discomfort of her cry. I didn’t rush back to her from the stove with urgency to ‘fix’ the situation.
I let her be, and I let me be. There was no need for me to control the situation. I wasn’t attached to the desire for her to stop crying. Rather, I spoke to her like I would to any person informing her that I was preparing the meal and that I’d return in a moment. She may not be able to articulate words yet, but she understood.
Communicating calmly and moving gracefully allowed everything to happen as it needed to. She was able to express her desire and I was able to witness her expression while remaining saturated in my cooking bliss. This showed my niece that she’s still okay if I put her in the high chair and walk away for a moment. It was a lesson in non-attachment.
Did I plan for this lesson? No. I simply responded in a natural, innocent, nonchalant way. The presence of my heavily-meditated self demonstrated non-attachment automatically. Conscious parenting (or ‘uncle-ing’ in my case) is all about naturally modeling the behavior you wish to see in your children, or anyone for that matter. Embody non-attachment, adaptability, and resilience, and your children will have a chance to develop an embodiment of the same behavior.
Will you nail conscious parenting perfectly? Heck no. Do I as an uncle? Not every time. It takes practice to consciously catch your own projections of stress, let them go, and model new behavior. Besides, perfection is overrated. Perfection is another learned habit of attachment we must let go of.
However, it is important to make the effort to change. If you are not conscious about your behavior and the impact it has on those around you, then how can you expect your kids to be? How can we expect the future to be better for the next generation if we’re not initiating the change?
The good news is that the effort you need to make is simple: physically get to the chair twice a day. Once you’re in the chair, meditation is effortless. You’ve heard me say it many times, and I’ll say it a thousand times more ;). When you do your meditation, it positively impacts everyone around you in a subtle way.
Make any and all arrangements necessary to get to that chair daily. Take advantage of this helpful tool. Never feel bad about doing it. It’s a selfless act, not a selfish one. Know that being a parent (or human for that matter) is a deserving enough reason for a daily meditation break.
So now, I’m curious to know... How has meditation helped you with your relationships at home? Have you notice anything shift in the way your family and friends relate to you? Please share in the comments below!
Warmly,
Hunter
Hunter Cressman // Vedic Meditation Teacher
